Domestic abuse, also known as Spousal abuse, occurs when one person in
an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other
person. An abuser doesn't "play fair." He uses fear, guilt, shame, and
intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power over you. He may
threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you. Domestic abuse that
includes physical violence is called *domestic violence*.

Victims of domestic abuse or domestic violence may be men or women, although
women are more commonly victimized. This abuse happens among heterosexual
couples and in same-sex partnerships. Except for the gender difference,
domestic abuse doesn't discriminate. It happens within all age ranges,
ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. The abuse may occur during a
relationship, while the couple is breaking up, or after the relationship has
ended.

Despite what many people believe, domestic violence is not due to the
abuser's loss of control over his behavior. In fact, violence is a
deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to take control over his wife
or partner.

Signs of an abusive relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most significant sign
is fear of your partner. Other signs include a partner who belittles you or
tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and
desperation.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions in
the table below. The more "yes" answers, the more likely it is that you're
in an abusive relationship.

SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings

Your Partner's Belittling Behavior

Do you:

  - feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
  - avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
  - feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?
  - believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
  - wonder if you're the one who is crazy?
  - feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Does your partner:

  - humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
  - treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or
  family to see?
  - ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
  - blame you for his own abusive behavior?
  - see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner's Violent Behavior or Threats

Signs of an Abusive Relationship

*Does your partner:*

  - have a bad and unpredictable temper?
  - hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
  - threaten to take your children away or harm them?
  - threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
  - force you to have sex?
  - destroy your belongings?

Does your partner:

  - act excessively jealous and possessive?
  - control where you go or what you do?
  - keep you from seeing your friends or family?
  - limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
  - constantly check up on you?

Types of domestic violence and abuse

There are different types of domestic abuse, including emotional, physical,
sexual, and economic abuse. Many abusers behave in ways that include more
than one type of domestic abuse, and the boundaries between some of these
behaviors may overlap.
Emotional or psychological abuse

Emotional or psychological abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Its aim is to
chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you're the
victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the
relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes *verbal abuse *such as yelling, name-calling,
blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also
fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or
psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since
physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars.
But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact,
emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even
more so. Furthermore, emotional abuse usually worsens over time, often
escalating to physical battery.
Physical abuse

When people talk about domestic violence, they are often referring to the
physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of
physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that
person. There's a broad range of behaviors that come under the heading of
physical abuse, including hitting, grabbing, choking, throwing things, and
assault with a weapon.

Physical assault or battering is a *crime*, whether it occurs inside or
outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect
you from physical attack.
Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse is common in abusive relationships.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence,
between one-third and one-half of all battered women are raped by their
partners at least once during their relationship. Any situation in which you
are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity
is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom
you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence.
Furthermore, women whose partners abuse them physically *and* sexually are
at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.

Economic or financial abuse

Remember, an abuser's goal is to control you, and he will frequently hurt
you to do that. In addition to hurting you emotionally and physically, an
abusive partner may also hurt you in the pocketbook*.* Economic of financial
abuse includes:

  - Controlling the finances.
  - Withholding money or credit cards.
  - Giving you an allowance.
  - Making you account for every penny you spend.
  - Stealing from you or taking your money.
  - Exploiting your assets for personal gain.
  - Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

  - Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
  - Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)

Domestic violence warning signs Take Precautions

Click here to report a crime or call 911 if you suspect a case of domestic
violence.

It's impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but
there are some telltale signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse.
If you witness a number of warning signs in a friend, family member, or
co-worker, you can reasonably suspect domestic abuse.

  - Frequent injuries, with the excuse of "accidents"
  - Frequent and sudden absences from work or school
  - Frequent, harassing phone calls from the partner
  - Fear of the partner, references to the partner's anger
  - Personality changes (e.g. an outgoing woman becomes withdrawn)
  - Excessive fear of conflict
  - Submissive behavior, lack of assertiveness
  - Isolation from friends and family
  - Insufficient resources to live (money, credit cards, car)
  - Depression, crying, low self-esteem

Reporting suspected domestic abuse is important. If you're afraid of getting
involved, remember that the report is anonymous and everything possible will
be done to protect your privacy. You don't have to give your name, and your
suspicions will be investigated before anyone is taken into custody. Most
important, you can protect the victim from further harm by calling for help.
Your Partner's Controlling Behavior